I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize