her vagina looked like bernie madoff
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
