and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
