i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
We were destined to go to rehab together
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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