ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
