My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
