Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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