Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Randomize
