Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
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I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
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If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize