now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
