i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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