Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
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