my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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