i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I didn't notice because vodka
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
