Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
