I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
