I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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