areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
