i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
