how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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