He is such a slut. More and more my type.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
