Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
