I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
