My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
