and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
