Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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