I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
