You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
