You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
