Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
