All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat