we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
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If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
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I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.