Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
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