living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
