I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
