In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
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I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
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You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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