Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
