Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
