That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
