Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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