I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
