I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I just gargled with NyQuil
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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