ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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