So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
If lil wayne asked you to lick him like a lollipop I feel that you would willingly oblige.
Unfortunately I think I would lick most anyone's lollipop.
It's your form of community service; servicing the greater SDSU area.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
