I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
