Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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