Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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