If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
