Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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