I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
