thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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