Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
