How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
