Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
