she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
i out mim tonsoeep
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