i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
