Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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